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A friends in need is a friend indeed, but forget Facebook, research shows that you can count on just four in crisis - so here's how to keep those relationships rosy
If you're one of those people who get a warm glow from browsing through their list of 400 Facebook 'friends", look away now. New research suggests that in a crisis, you can probably count on just four of them.
The paper was published this week by evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar who, no content with recommending in a 2010 study that our social circles shrink down to 150 people, now says that close friendships can only be maintained in person.
It seems incredible in an age when the average person has five social media accounts that just liking your friends' posts on Facebook doesn't actually help your friendships survive. But it's a lesson I learned in 2013 when one of my best friends died. I was tasked with organizing the funeral as her parents lived abroad, and so I became the focal point for other people's grief. Friends I hadn't spoken to in years called up to apologize, not just for our loss but for their lack of contact.
At first I was sympathetic and grateful for the sympathy, but quickly the calls started to irritate me. I didn't doubt their sincerity but an apology seemed an act of denial and a wasted effort. Close friendships don't just happen - you make them happen.
"You didn't call because her friendship didn't matter enough to you," I started to say. As my words were met with stunned silence, I'd add: "Don't feel bad - friendship is a two-way street and she wasn't calling you either."
I hadn't intended to make anyone feel guilty. Maintaining relationships is a hard, endless slog. There are pressures on our time from work and family. Sometimes it feels as if you need to arm yourself with a project management degree and a spreadsheet just to get brunch with the girlfriends in the diary. But there's also no denying the allure of the new: it's exciting to meet new people.
Still, there are few feeling worse that realizing that you let good people go. So here are four ways to nurture those important four people in your life.
1. Resist the rot
Let's start with the obvious. Dunbar speaks of how social media slows down "the natural rate of decay in relationship quality that would set in once we cannot readily meet friends face-to-face", but adds: "No amount of social media will prevent a friend eventually becoming "just another acquaintance" if you don't meet face-to-face from time to time."
So don't delete the Facebook page but, more importantly, make time to see the people you claim matter to you.
2. Recognize that friends are not commodities
Sometimes I worry that in our capitalist world, we are encouraged to amass friends the way we would shop for groceries: make a list of desirable characteristics, seek out contenders, add them to your life and Facebook page - job done. You are at the center of the story and your needs are being met.
I've often felt closest to my friends when I'm meeting someone else's needs. Making friends has become a technology-enabled doddle - there are social networks, online meetup groups, even virtual reality worlds if you're dissatisfied with your current life. But keeping friends is about eating humble pie, forgiving and forgetting; fighting and making up. So be kind and be consistent.
3. Acknowledge your weaknesses
I hate speaking to people on the phone - I find it exhausting. I'm also not one for what I call "irrational shows of support", like when you're expected to tell the friend who broke up with his girlfriend that she's a bitch and he's better off without her, when all the evidence suggests he's been a fool. But telling your friends they're fault while they drench your shoulder in tears and snot isn't perceived as endearing or supportive, so I've learned to keep my mouth shut. After the tears dry and sense returns to the land, we can talk about how to make it right.
4. Let the deadweight go
At Christmas last year I announced in the company of people I see but once a year that I was letting dead friendships go. I told them about the close friend who didn't invite me to his wedding (for reasons I still don't know) and how three years later, when he announced he missed me, explained he wasn't sure what had happened to us, and asked if we could still be friends, I explained in no uncertain terms where it all went wrong("You drew up a wedding list and didn't put me on it") and kindly declined his offer.
That's the bit they don't teach you in school. Nobody wants to be Billy no-mates, but unlike your pets, some friendships are just for a season, and that's OK. Deadweights aren't necessarily bad people - they're just no longer good for you.