How to talk to... children and teenagers, by family therapist Karen Holford

Children often don't have the words to say what they're feeling, and they don't always understand what we're looking for when we ask them questions. So if you ask, "How was your day?" and you're met with a grunt or a shrug, it's not because your child is trying to hide something from you. It's because they don't see why you could possibly want to know, or which part of their day you're interested in. It can help to make your questions more specific: "What was the best thing about your day? What was the hardest thing?" And, of course, it helps if you are really listening. We often don't give children our full attention.

Try to meet your child's emotions, rather than telling them how to feel. If your child comes home saying, " I hate everyone in my class",your first reaction might be, "That's not a nice thing to say",or, "Things can't be that bad." Try to pay attention to the feeling rather than the content. Help them find other words to draw out their emotions - "It sounds like you had a really bad day" - so they can talk about it in a different way.

With younger children, visual cues and games can be a helpful way of piecing things together. If you're trying to find out who they play with at school, you might get them to draw a picture of their friends, say. Repeating back to a younger child what they have said makes them feel heard. And if you're talking about difficult topics, break them down into manageable chunks.

Teenagers often respond better if you're doing something alongside a conversation, so they don't have to give you a lot of eye contact, even if it's just washing up or talking when you're in the car. Using a bit of humor can help to defuse the tension, and watching films with older kids can be a good way to broach difficult subjects.

TIps

Use visual exercises with younger children to help them explain what's going on.

Respect the importance of what they're talking about; avoid saying, "It's just a silly worry."

Model good ways of communicating with other adults. Let children see you argue and make up.