My father's new partner is trying to control my family

A teenage who forgot to send a proper thank-you note has caused a rift with her wealthy step-grandmother. Mariella Frostrup commiserates

The dilemma 

My 15-year-old daughter is trying to recover from bulimia. Her self-esteem has been low for years, but one thing that's working is having her own horse. My father's new partner paid for it - she is a wealthy widow and we are on the breadline. Enclosed in the birthday card this woman sent was a cheque for 80 pound. Straight away my daughter wrote a thank you letter, about how this horse will impact positively on her life. Unfortunately she forgot to mention the cheque. My father's partner returned the thank you letter with a note saying she was "saddened and disappointed" she hadn't mentioned the money. This was a huge blow to my daughter's already fragile confidence. When I tried to explain the hurt she'd caused she said I should stop this "protective mother nonsense" and get her to apologize and to thank her. This woman owns the house we live in and I want to move out.

Mariella replies 

Money is toxic, as you are presently discovering. There is no other currency that carries such weight of expectation, causes such stress, creates guilty secrets, a sense of privilege and misplaced worth in those with plenty, and the total opposite in those without. I read recently that only half of married couples know what their partner earns, which really is extraordinary when you think about what we've prepared to share. We share beds, serious illnesses, parenting children, buying a home, sexual desires, deep rooted secrets, just not what's printed on our pay slip. We'll commit to lifelong partnership but often keep our bank balance a secret all the way to the grave.

When it comes to those outside our immediate family the shroud of secrecy is even more tightly drawn, obscuring detail while thriving on the display of the trappings. People won't tell you what they earn, but they'll buy ostentatious symbols, from cars to designer goods, to hint at the fact it's a lot. The sense of power that money provokes, along with the effortless glide through life it promises, are two of its most insidious qualities.

Rationally we know that money doesn't buy happiness any more than struggling in poverty bestows nobility. Today with cheap food and clothing it can seem that all elevated finance really offers is a chance to buy the same rubbish but pay more for it. I'm sure those working for slave wages in places like Vietnam, Cambodia and Indonesia don't see much difference between a designer bag and the copy that sells for a fraction of the price on the streets of Bangkok. Neither, if we had any sense, would we.

So many of the world's woes originate from those who have plenty failing to share with those who have not. Worse still, when they do pass out the filthy lucre, the actual cost in expectation and manipulation is usually much higher than the investment. There's no swifter way to end a friendship or cause disharmony within your family than by borrowing money, and the emotional cost of doing so commonly renders the financial relief redundant. 

It's no mystery as to why, either. Money is a form of control, whether it's developed nations lending to underdeveloped countries or, as in your case, stepmothers "giving" to their newly accrued family. That's why dropping the debt was such a potent initiative. What's the point of squeezing every penny out of a place when the net result will simply be to keep them in beholden penury, unless it's more about exerting control than eradicating poverty?

It's the same with human beings. Even when we can afford to do so, no-strings giving seems beyond our capability. It's why someone like Mark Zukerberg captures out imagination, a person who's found that the greatest pleasure isn't how to spend it but how to give it away! And despite appearances, the problem isn't always with the givers. Taking money, no matter how generously it's offered, makes the receiver feel inferior. And even when the lender isn't reveling in that power it's easy to allow a sense of indebtedness to sour relations.

I have no way of telling what sort of donor this woman is. From your perspective she's controlling and insensitive, but maybe her "pound of flesh" is simply recognition of her generosity. That's small price to pay when viewed without the emotional baggage of being in her debt?

I totally understand how a disease like bulimia, also about control and powerlessness, might make a parent want to shield their child from the vicissitudes of life. But if your daughter is to make a full recovery she needs to learn how to operate within the parameters of normal expectation, and when someone sends you a cheque, whether it's for 8 or 80 pound, you send a thank-you note. Neglecting to do so is easily remedied and not worth getting involved in a stand-off about.

I appreciate you want to protect her from knocks that might propel her back into difficulty but building a cotton wool world around her isn't the way. Whether her motives are pure or entirely self-serving this woman deserves your gratitude. Biting the hand that feeds is a compelling temptation, but while you are relying on that income stream it's pretty self-destructive. Wouldn't supporting your girl, while teaching her how to negotiate such confrontations, be a much more positive way to direct your energy?