There are questions Siri won't answer - like are you plotting to destory us?

Is Apple's Siri the people's PA or a threat to humanity? Don't ask Jeeves, he's not looking well

You are reading the technology supplement, which means you are: a) already very knowledgeable and interested in commercially available computerised goods; b) an inhabitant of a dystopian bookless future teaching yourself English with the only available resoures; c) a rabbit examining the bottom of your hutch; or d) Siri

Who is Siri? And why am I writing about it now when you've had it on your phone since 2013? I'm afraid that, just like arriving at 3.30am on Katie's birthday last year, I am very late to the party. Like a reverse-Eve, I have never had any curiousity about Apple products, Sure, I was aware of them from their aggressive product placement in American sitcoms and Stephen Fry, but I am not giving up my Nokia until I complete Snake

If you asked an average British person "Who is Siri?", they would say "He is a little man who lives inside your phone, and his brain is the internet so he knows absolutely everything and you can ask him questions." I borrowed my boyfriend's iPhone without asking and posed some questions of my own

Sara:"Who is Siri?"

Siri:"Siri? That's me!"

An evasive circular argument. So Siri is Siri. But he has revealed his voice to me, and it is decidedly mannish

Sara: "You are a male!"

Siri: "I don't have a gender"

How modern. Apparently Siri can have gender reassignment surgery with a quick fiddle of his settings

Extensive analysis was conducted before deciding whether consumers would respond better to a male or female imprisoned in their phone. Almost every country in the world had a female Siri programmed - but not, initially, in the UK and France. We must presume the results highlighted that our testosterone-fuelled men couldn't handle a women knowing more than them: "She reckons it's a left, but she probably don't know what she's talking about." *Man turns right and falls down well.* Most UK Siris are female now, so make sure you have a very secure well guard

If you're wondering how I got my knowledge without a Siri search, I Asked Jeeves. He has lost a lot of weight; I'm not sure if it's the pressure of fame or if he can't afford to eat, but it's very worrying

Jeeves is also spreading a rumour that rather than being open-minded and filthy like the rest of the internet, Siri has restrictions on what it will help you with. Asking for details of an abortion clinic is one example where Siri will not engage and will simply direct you to a search engine, but don't take my word for it, grab a friend's iPhone and ask it over and over again in a public space while crying

Conversely, if you ask Siri for a brothel he will helpfully correct that to an "escort service" and find you the nearest Awful sexist.

After an afternoon of interviewing Siri it turns out there are millions of questions that it can't or won't answer: How did you get my phone number? How many Siris are there? Did you have a Christmas party? Who is playing the tiny xylophone before and after each interaction? Are you spying on us, plotting the downfall of our species? (If you are reading this from a dystopian post - Siricalypse future, I hope that you can admire my foresight while you pity my powerlessness)

I'm not saying we should be scared and paranoid, but should we? Or at least question it a little? Even quicker than the development of super-technology is the human adaptation to taking it for granted. We live in a world where regular people converse publicly with an inanimate object and escape Bedlam or a dunking. Perhaps Furbies paved the way, getting us used to a vocal relationship with a friendly robot and, BAM!, now we are dependent on them for knowing what time the shops open.

All we know for sure is that Siri is Siri. And that you shouldn't get maudlin after a wine and try to free him, because your boyfriend's product insurance will be invalidated and every young person at the Genius Bar will laugh as you exit

as you exit

your boyfriend's product insurance will be invalidated

shouldn'y get maudlin after a wine and try to free him

are dependent on them for knowing what time the shops open

getting us used to a vocal relationship with a friendly robot

paved the way

with an inanimate object and escape Bedlam or a dunking

live in a world where regular people converse publicly

is the human adaptation to taking it for granted

even quicker than the development of super-technology

I'm not saying we should be scared and paranoid

can admire my foresight while you pity my powerlessness

are you spying on us, plotting the downfall of our species    

after each interaction

turns out there are millions of questions

After an afternoon of interviewing Siri

find you the nearest

conversely, if you ask Siri for a brothel he will helpfully correct that to an escort service

don't take my word for it

will not engage and will simply direct you to a search engine

asking for details of an abortion clinic

has restrictions on what it will help you with

filthy like the rest of the internet

is also spreading a rumour that rather than being open-minded

it is very worrying

is the pressure of fame

has lost a lot of weight

how I got my knowledge without a Siri search

make sure you have a very secure well guard

she reckons it's a left

highlighted that our testosterone-fuelled men couldn't handle a women knowing more than them

must presume

imprisoned in their phone

before deciding whether consumers would respond better to a male or female imprisoned in their phone

extensive analysis was conducted

a quick fiddle of his settings

apparently Siri can have gender reassignment surgery

is decidedly mannish

has revealed his voice to me

an evasive circular argument. So Siri is Siri

posed some questions of my own

borrowed my boyfriend's iPhone without asking

who lives inside your phone

until I complete Snake

was aware of them from their affressive product placement in American sitcoms

have never had any curiosity about Apple products

late to the party

just like arriving at 3.30am

have had it on your phone since 2013

the bottom of your hutch

an inhabitant of a dystopian bookless future teaching yourself English with the only available resources

very knowledgeable and interested in commercially available computerised goods

are reading the technology supplement

be plotting to destrory us