I've had enough of email wooing - better to meet a man face to face

Stella surprises a man she's been emailing but hasn't met and suggests an impromptu lunch

Alex is one of the few men I've come across who wants to spend time establishing a friendship via email before meeting. Generally it's a thing that men complain women want. I've seen some man-chat on the internet about it. Some commenters diagnose a need for a lot of attention. For many women, they say, online dating is a vanity project, in which we're trying to get six candidates to email us simultaneously, thereby revitalizing our self esteem, without needing to go to the bother of going to bed with any of them. (In some cases, this argument is reverse engineered by men to explain why they can't pull, but we'll let that go.)

Alex, though, wanted to wait and form a bond, as if lunch were really sex and we shouldn't rush into it. He'd found that waiting worked for him. Combined with the fact that he was 51 but looked 41 in his profile picture, this was kind of charming.

So we spent five days emailing, and he seemed... I was going to say a nice man, but that can come across as damning. My mother has a tendency to say "He's nice enough" of the widowers who woo her at tea dances and it's plain there's a great big "but... " coming.

Alex had all the qualities that make men successful online. He was articulate, if a little earnest. He wanted to see the world and do things and learn more. He was straightforward about his emotional life and needs, and frank about mistakes made in past relationships and sensitive to my potential vulnerabilities - and I just didn't fancy him at all. He wrote saying he wanted to grow and change, and I admit that my spoken response (to the dog) was, "Yeah, I had a husband who wanted to grow, and he grew into someone who wanted a divorce."

My relationship with Alex, if you could call it that, took place over a week, virtually and in speeded up time, like the birth and death of a flower in time-lapse photography. On day five I decided to ask if there was a reason he was shy about meeting women in person. He sent me a photograph of his dad. At least I assumed it was his dad, because it looked like Alex, but a lot older, and of course that was Alex. Alex wan't 51, the sort of 51 that looks 41. Alex was 63 and looked older, had serious health problems and no confidence. 

Interestingly, I seem to have stopped being a person who wants a lot of email wooing before meeting. I seem to be in transition. I want to meet people. I decided Alex and I should just meet, on the basis that you really never know. So I decided to surprise him. I visited my mother at the weekend, not having heard from Edward, and as it happens Alex lives not far away. So I messaged him: "Surprise! I', half an hour away from you; why don't we have lunch? It'd be great to meet you."

Alex's reaction, I'm fairly confident in telling you, was to freak out. He went into silent mode, pretending he hadn't read the message until it was already too late, something that's a classic avoidance gambit. There's often an overlong and overly detailed list of reasons a message is "missed". I'm so sorry, my internet went down and a dog ate my cable and I've been in a coma and now my fingers are broken. Once I'd returned to a safe distance, Alex popped up again, saying how busy he'd been.

I replied, apologizing for the impulsive gesture. I might have got a bit ahead of myself. He responded immediately, saying it was OK to do that sometimes, as long as it was only sometimes. I caught a strong whiff of habitual critique. I told him I hoped to hear from him when he was less busy, but realized afterwards that I didn't hope for that. Perhaps, I thought, I should take the hint and give this search up. There's nothing wrong with being a radiant spinster, too busy with her fulfilling life to miss having a partner. There's a lot that's right about it. It's just not what I want. 

Then Edward texted. Was I free for a drink on Friday? Should we go to the pub? It was such a brisk enquiry that I wasn't sure whether he was suggesting a second date or whether he wanted to tell me in person why my application failed. (But yes, I said yes.)