Why dead pets matter

When their cat Sox got ill had to be put down, Olivia Lichtenstein and her family were not prepared for how deeply they would mourn^[각주:1]

The house feels quiet and empty, pulsing with^[각주:2] that deafening silence^[각주:3] specific to death. We are a family in mourning. Last Friday morning, five of us got into the car and drove away in the sad knowledge that only four of us would be coming home. We were taking a much loved family member to "Switzerland", otherwise known as the vet^[각주:4] (we hoped a little gallows humor^[각주:5] might render^[각주:6] the impending^[각주:7] ordeal more bearable^[각주:8].) Sox, our cat, who had been diagnosed with cancer four months previously, was now in pain - the time had come to do the "kind" thing^[각주:9].

Fourteen years ago, our son, Oscar, and I chose Sox for Francesca, our daughter. Oscar was 13 then and his sister was eight. Or rather, in the manner of these things, he had chosen us^[각주:10]: we peeked into a basket of kittens and he pushed his little black and white face inquisitively^[각주:11] into ours. "That's the one," we said together and brought him home to hide for Christmas.

My son's cat, Daisy, seduced by sweetmeats from the next door neighbor's granny^[각주:12], eventually moved out after a slightly tense meeting to formalize^[각주:13] her new living arrangements, leaving Sox in the exalted position of sole cat.

As the years passed, Sox became ever more firmly stitched into the tapestry of our home life, a constant presence whose personality enriched our family mythology^[각주:14]. It's hard fully to understand the connection between humans and their pets, but few would argue that cats and dogs are unusually perceptive. Sox could certainly sense when a trip to the vet was imminent^[각주:15]; we had to make his cat basket appear by stealth and take care what we said in front of him. At such times, he was referred to as "the gentleman" - as in, "What time is the gentleman's appointment?" "Do you know whether the gentleman is currently residing^[각주:16] beneath the bed?"

My husband, Simon, who hadn't wanted a cat because he didn't "trust" them, could be overheard talking to Sox when he thought they were alone. No one could have a cuddle without Sox appearing and joining in; it took him just 30 seconds to smell one out^[각주:17].

He seemed to sense sadness and would stay quietly by one's side at such times. He managed to have a separate and distinctive relationship with each of us. He was a constant and enduring presence throughout my children's teenage years and beyond. Pets are always there, always happy to see you and, unlike children, don't slam doors and roll their eyes when you speak. Sox's passing marks the end of an era.

Earlier this year, with some prescience, Oscar, now 27, said,"I don't know what I'll do when Sox dies - I won't be able to bear it."

I'd been wondering what a cat's life span was and during the nightly ritual of reading in bed while stroking him I found a lump on his rib. Exploratory surgery soon sealed Sox's fate - it was cancer.

Simon, whose love for Sox grew in proportion to^[각주:18] his decline and whose attentiveness to him was surprising and touching, couldn't bring himself enter the vet's practice. Oscar, Francesca and I kissed Sox and thanked him, having elected to leave the room for the fatal injection and dying of the light. The young vet looked like she was about to cry herself - even if it's your job, it can't be the easiest way to start the day.

The euthanasia^[각주:19] permission form I had to sign revealed that Sox was 14 years and 16 days old - this precise knowledge bore testimony to the continuity and simplicity of his life - one home, one owner, one vet. Afterwards, we stroked his still warm fur and whispered our goodbyes.

But no one could have prepared us for the grief - a grief I feel almost foolish to speak of but am encouraged to on discovering how universally it is felt. Grief, it turns out, is grief on the griefometer^[각주:20] serves little purpose. It's still the same familiar ache that swells from^[각주:21] gullet to gut and fills the entire chest cavity, which only that old cliche time can heal. Worse things have happened to us and far, far worse things are happening to others as I write, but you can't help what you feel.

Here and there in the half light I imagine the flick of a familiar black tail and cast my eyes towards the floor, anticipating the soft pad of Sox's paws. His loss lights a touch paper to past losses: my father knew Sox, so somehow here is another link cruelly severed to^[각주:22] that happier time when my father was still alive

I remember visiting the Peggy Guggenheim museum in Venice some years ago. The house has a pretty garden, a small cemetery where she buried her beloved cats and dogs with a small monument dedicated to them. I remember finding it a little ridiculous - all that trouble for some dead animals. Now I understand. It's a big thing to lose a family pet: there are books about pet bereavement^[각주:23], pet loss support groups, therapists offering counselling, delineated phases in the pet grieving process. In ancient Egypt, cats were revered and so important to Egyptian society and religion, that some received the same mummification^[각주:24] after death as humans.

I may have been blase^[각주:25] about pet death before, but I get it now, and so do others. A colleague rushed out to buy me sympathy roses - a gesture that touched me more than I can say. Pet grief stories have poured in from all quarters - tears well in the eyes of hardened lawyers^[각주:26], TV journalists, postmen and shopowners as they are reminded of their own pet losses and eagerly share their stories about their departed^[각주:27] Rufus, Holly, Megan and Rex.

A few days ago, I was in my daughter's room and saw an unfinished letter on her desk. I reproduce^[각주:28] it now with her permission:

My darling boy,

I hope you know how much I loved you. Having you has been one of the most rewarding things in my life. I'm confused about what tense I should be writing in because I'm finding it difficult to accept that you aren't here any more. Right now I'm frightened to walk downstairs, knowing that you won't be there. It feels lonely and dark. The kitchen is worst of all - that was your place. Well, really it was all your place.

How can I bear^[각주:29] it that I'm no longer a cat mummy...

Pets, they say, are good for children as they teach them about life and death and prepare them for the inevitable human event in the future. The trouble is, it feels too much like the real thing. Will we get another pet? We're not sure we're strong enough. And we have ashes^[각주:30] to scatter and a commemorative plaque^[각주:31] to plant in our own garden first.

1. 슬프단 거죠... 문맥상 애완 고양이가 생을 마감한듯 하네요 [본문으로]
2. [생기있게 맥이 뛰다] 라고 되어 있지만, 밝은 분위기 말고도 슬픈 분위기가 지배적일때도 [pulse with...]을 사용하네요 [본문으로]
3. [귀가 멀듯한 고요] 라는 공감각적 표현이네요. 소리없는 아우성이라는 표현이 생각나네요 [본문으로]
4. 수의사(veterinarian)를 말할때 vet을 사용하지만 간혹 동사로 쓰일 경우는 [뭔가가 어떤 자격에 맞는지 조사한다] 는 의미입니다. [퇴역군인]을 일컽는 veteran의 준말이기도 합니다. [본문으로]
5. [심각한 상황에서 빈정거리는 유머, 으스스한 농담] 입니다. 냥이를 잃은 슬픔을 잊기 위해 생각해볼 수 있는 방법인것이죠. [본문으로]
6. make과 같은 쉬운 단어보다 render같은 단어를 택했네요... 비디오파일 랜더링할때 이 단어를 쓰긴하지만 그게 다가 아니라 이런 부분에서도 사용할 수 있단거죠. [본문으로]
7. imminent와 비슷한 의미라고 볼수 있겠네요 [본문으로]
8. 냥이를 잃은 슬픔을 농담 한마디로 어떻게 해볼수도 있지 않을까 싶은 마음이 들정도라는 거죠 [본문으로]
9. 안락사를 the "kind" thing 이라고 둘러서 표현했네요. 냥이가 암에 걸렸으니 대책이 없나보네요 [본문으로]
10. 자기들이 냥이를 선택한게 아니라 냥이가 자신들을 선택했다고 이야기 하네요. 서로가 좋다는 거죠. [본문으로]
11. 궁금한듯 뚱한 냥이의 표정, 호기심 많아 보이는 행동을 표현할때 inquisitively 라는 표현을 쓰네요. 기껏 떠오르는 단어라고 해봐야 curiously 일텐데 역시 다르네요. 의미도 좀더 가까운듯하구요 [본문으로]
12. 할머니죠 grandma 직계 친척은 아니지만 할머니 뻘이라 granny라는 표현을 쓴듯하네요. 고양이를 빼았겼네요 [본문으로]
13. 자신의 주인을 바꾸는 것을 공식화 했다네요. 고양이,Daisy가 다른 주인을 선택했네요. 달콤한 고기에 주인을 바꾸네요 [본문으로]
14. 가족들의 기분을 좋게 만들어 줬다는 사실을 느낌있게 가족 신화까지 들먹여가며 무게감있게 표현하네요 [본문으로]
15. 전에 나온 impending이랑 유의어라 볼 수 있겠네요 [본문으로]
16. reside가 자주 안 써서 그런지 무거운 단어 같았는데 이렇게 가볍게도 쓰네요 [본문으로]
17. 낌새를 챘다는 표현을 냄새를 맡았다는 식으로 표현하네요. 한국에서도 "냄새가 나는데~" 라는 식으로 표현하는데 비슷하게 쓰는 군요. [본문으로]
18. in proportion to~ [~에 비례하여] 란 뜻을 가지네요 [본문으로]
19. 앞에서 말한 the "kind" thing이네요. 발음은 유떠네이지아 하시면 되는데 악센트는 "네이" 하실때 주시면 됩니다 [본문으로]
20. 사전엔 이런단어는 없지만 문맥상 슬픔을 측정할 수있는 기계나 단위를 나타내는 수단인듯합니다. 작가가 만들어 낸개념인것이죠 [본문으로]
21. swell을 단순히 [부풀다] 라는 의미가 아니라 [전해져온다] 라는 식의 파생적인 의미로 사용할 수도 있네요 [본문으로]
22. sever [자르다] 라는 의미로 여기서는 냥이와 함꼐했던 즐거운 시간들을 떨쳐낸다 라는 의미로 사용했네요. 아버지까지 이야기하면서요. 많이 슬프다는 거죠. [본문으로]
23. [사별] dead, die, death 같은 노골적인 표현보다는 그 대상에 대한 존중과 애정, 애도가 녹아있는 듯한 고급진 표현이네요. 동사는 bereave[사별하다, 여의다]입니다. 발음은 "베리브"가 아니라 "비리브" 입니다 [본문으로]
24. 죽은 냥이를 미라로 만들면 더 가슴아프지 않을까 싶네요 개인적으로는 [본문으로]
25. 프랑스에서 온 외래어인듯 합니다. 발음은 블라제이~ 라고 하네요. [이미 여러번 겪은 일이라서 심드렁한] 느낌일수 도 있겠지만, 그건 아니라는 거죠 문맥은 [본문으로]
26. 슬픈 분위기에서도 덤덤할 수 있는 베태랑 변호사의 마음 상태를 비유로 하고 있네요. 차마 그런 마음을 가지기가 쉽진 않다는 거죠. 그런 변호사들의 눈물 같다는 표현이니까요 [본문으로]
27. 죽었다는 말을 die, dead, pass away같은 표현 말고 departed라고 표현했네요 [본문으로]
28. 세포 분열 이야기 할때나 이단어를 쓰는 줄 알았는데 꼭 그런것만은 아니군요. 그냥 편지를 베껴서 복사했다는 부분에서 사용하네요 [본문으로]
29. 물리적인 참음, 견딤 외에도 감정적인 부분에서도 bear을 사용하네요 [본문으로]
30. 냥이의 뼛가루를 이야기 하는 것이죠 [본문으로]
31. 작은 묘비에 적힌 문구를 떠올리게 하네요 [본문으로]